Feel Ch. 4

Raphael was exhausted. Solid knots of tension had settled deep into his shoulders, and the biting cold had made his worn, calloused feet, numb to the myriad of small cuts the ice had left on them.

Raph shuffled into Donnie’s lab, making his way to the small hard cot beside Mikey’s bed. As he came closer, Raph looked into the grim face of his younger brother. Gently, Raph traced a rough hand down Mikey’s cheek, his heart twisting at the serious expression the usually bright and happy turtle was wearing.

He seemed thin and fragile against the sheets. Glancing over at Donnie’s desk, Raph noticed the barely touched tray of food Mikey had left behind. The sight made him cringe; knowing the young turtle was anything but a picky eater.

“Alright guys! Who’s up for my super awesome, delicious and nutritious, scrambled eggs?”

“Eggs again Mikey? Can’t ya make somethin’ that has…I dunno, flavor?”

“That’s what I did last time Raph!”

“I don’t think scrambled eggs mixed with anchovies counts as a flavor Mikey…”

“Shows what you know Don! It’s called surf and turf!”

Sighing, Raph moved to sit down on the cot, placing his hand down on the scratchy material to brace himself. The cloth was warm under his hands. Donnie, Raph thought sadly to himself. How long had the purple turtle sat there silently torturing himself? Raph bit his bottom lip in guilt. He had almost dismissed Donnie’s request to go find Leo, but the desperation in the genius’ eyes had struck him deep. Donnie was always sacrificing himself for them, whether that meant patching them up after they were hurt, or never sleeping so that the tech in the lair would run smoothly. After seeing the genius on the verge of collapse, Raph realized he would do anything to ease the burden the purple turtle had to bear.

Grunting, Raph eased himself onto the cot, closing his eyes as he listened to the murmur of Leo and Don’s voices float in from the kitchen. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he knew from the muffled sound of Donnie’s voice that he was relieved. With Leo back home, and presumably under control, Donnie could breathe easy, something Raph was grateful for. Leo would make everything right. 

“You’re the reason Mikey got hurt in the first place!"

Raph’s eyes snapped open. Leo’s cruel words echoed through his battered mind.

“You and your emotions nearly killed him!”

Raph started to shake. This whole mess had started because of him. He hadn’t meant to hurt Mikey that time. He was just worried. Concerned about his little brother’s safety…frightened. Raph shook his head in disgust. He should have known better than to selfishly try to ease his own fears. He should have soldiered on like he always had, covering for his little brother no matter how scared he was. That was his place in this family. The shield.

He had lost sight of that the night he had sparred with Mikey, letting the cracks of his armor show. He had even dared to cry in front of the young turtle. His weakness had cost Mikey so dearly.

Gripping the cot tightly, Raph didn’t hear Leo open the lab door, silently slipping into the room.

Leo looked at the exhausted form of his younger brother. Raph had taken up his usual position on the cot by Mikey’s bed, but his hands were clasping the edge of the flimsy makeshift bed so hard, his normally green knuckles were tinged almost white. It was then; Leo noticed the trail of blood still oozing down Raph’s arm.

He’s hurt! Leo thought frantically. When? How?

The crack of a gun went off in Leo’s memory. In the vacant lot, Raph had saved him. Pushed him out of the way when that thug pointed his gun at him and…Oh no.

“Raph!”

Rushing forward Leo reached out to Raph, his hands gently probing to find the wound. With a jump, Raph was pulled from his miserable thoughts as Leo frantically looked him over. Quickly, Raph let his face go blank, masking the hurt and fear he had been grappling with moments ago. Leo hardly noticed the fevered expression of Raph’s gold eyes dull to a vague passivity, as his gentle fingers found the source of the blood.

Raph had been shot in the shoulder. How had he missed this?!

“Raph,” Leo said softly. “You’re hurt.”

Blinking, Raph glanced at his shoulder in surprise. When had that happened? He thought. He hadn’t felt a thing.

“S’nothin’ Fearless,” Raph said with a shrug. “I’ve had worse.”

Leo frowned. How could Raph just brush something like this off? With a huff, Leo stood and strode out of the lab. Raph sighed as he leaned back on the cot. Leo didn’t need to worry about him. He would be fine. Just like he always was…

Raph’s head snapped forward as Leo once again entered the lab, this time with the first aid kit under his arm. Silently, he knelt in front of Raph’s cot, getting the necessary items from the kit to tend to Raph’s injury.

“M’fine Leo,” Raph grunted, as the leaf green turtle took a firm grip on his arm. Raph tried to pull his arm free, but Leo wouldn’t let go, his fingers curled around his arm tight enough to bruise.

“Let me do this Raph,” Leo said curtly, his anger starting to stir deep in his chest.

Raph was about to protest, when he noticed the look in Leo’s eyes. The icy gaze had Raph backpedaling. Turning to face his older brother fully, Raph let Leo have his arm. Leo’s eyes softened as he began to clean Raph’s shoulder. The two sat in silence, listening to the soft breathing of Michelangelo on the bed beside them.

The silence stretched uncomfortably, and it was more than Raph could take. He opened his mouth to say something when Leo cut him off.

“I’m sorry,” the leader whispered.

Raph closed his mouth slowly. If Leo wanted to talk, he would let him.

“Raph, I’m…I’m so sorry,” Leo said, never meeting Raph’s eyes as he continued to clean the wound.

The red ninja raised an eyeridge, confused.

“What are ya sorry for?” Raph asked.

“Just…for everything,” Leo said. “I should have noticed something was wrong with Mikey that night. I should have been helping everyone here with Mikey’s recovery. I…I should have never said you were to blame for Michelangelo’s torture,” Leo blurted out in a rush.

Raph felt his breath catch in his throat. Before he could open his mouth to reply, Leo continued.

“I’ve always been so sure of what was expected of me, and how to approach each situation. But with this…I just feel lost. I can’t control my anger, and it scares me.

Raph felt his eyes go wide. Fearless? Scared? Gently, he reached out to place a reassuring hand on Leo’s shoulder. The blue-banded turtle jerked at the touch, before slowly letting himself absorb the warmth and comfort Raph’s hand provided. Hesitantly Leo looked up into Raph’s eyes.

The golden spheres gazed down at him with worry. Leo looked away from the intense gaze, focusing on bandaging Raph’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry—“

“Leo ya have nothin’ ta apologize for,” Raph said firmly.

Surprised, Leo felt Raph cup his chin, forcing the leader’s gaze back to the hothead.

“Ya don’t have ta be scared Leo,” Raph said softly. “I won’t let anythin’ happen to ya.”

Tears pricked at the corners of Leo’s eyes. Slowly Leo shook his head.

“I’m so angry Raph,” he said softly.

Nodding, Raph pulled his older brother into a one armed hug.

“Yeah, I know.”

Pulling back, Leo looked up at Raph.

“I can’t just let this go,” Leo said. “But what if…what if I can’t stop? What if I…”

With a small knowing smile, Raph gave Leo a small punch on the shoulder, gaining a confused frown from his older brother.

“Then ya just have ta take me along wit’chya,” Raph said matter of factly. “I’ll keep yer ass in line, and ya can still bash some Purple Dragon skulls.”

Leo’s eyes went wide with shock. The burden of keeping his anger in check all alone had worn him down over the years, and here was Raph telling him he would never have to do that again. The relief that flooded through him made his knees weak.

Reaching out, Leo hugged Raph tightly, careful to avoid Raph’s wound.

“Thank you Raph.”

Raph gave Leo a squeeze before pulling back. Leo would be all right.

“Sure thing Fearless,” he said nonchalantly. “Now ya think ya can finish with the mummy treatment?”

Leo blushed as he quickly finished Raph’s bandages. Standing stiffly, Leo hugged Raph one more time, before heading out of the lab. Placing the first aid kit under the sink once again, Leo made his way to his room where he collapsed onto his bed. As he drifted off, Leo could still hear Raph’s words in his head. I won’t let anythin’ happen to ya. Sighing contentedly, Leo let sleep come and take him.

……………………..

Raph watched as Leo left the room, his shoulders forward and head held high. It felt good to see Leo like that. It felt right.

Leaning back again on the cot, Raph reveled in that small victory. He had been able to protect his older brother. Yes, he had been shot, but physical pain was nothing when it came to protecting his family. Bracing his arms behind him, Raph leaned back closing his eyes. He was so tired.

A quiet gasp had Raph’s eyes flying open. Mikey’s sharp intake of breath had Raph holding his own, as he quickly stood hovering over the orange clad turtle. Mikey’s face had contorted into a grimace, twisting the laugh lines around his eyes into deep valleys of pain. Raph felt his blood turn to ice in his veins, but as quickly as Mikey’s face had distorted, it smoothed over once again to the grim mask Mikey always wore.

With shaky legs, Raph sank back onto the cot, his head cradled in his trembling hands. Even in sleep, Mikey was in pain. Raph tried to fight the tears threatening behind his mask. He couldn’t let his armor slip.

It was what was expected of him. Leo expected the perfect soldier. Donnie expected the impenetrable shield. Mikey deserved the infallible protector.

Raph’s shoulders strained against the weight of his brothers’ expectations. For so long he had held them all like some ancient Atlas, balancing their fears on his strong back. But the years had worn him down, and his own fears ate away at him. He was trapped. Should he shrug, his brothers would come crashing down around him. No, he had to carry them. Remove their burdens and lend them his strength. But he wasn’t as strong as they all thought.

Donnie had deemed him strong enough to carry Leo, and Raph had even put up a very convincing act that he could protect Leo from himself. But who was he kidding? Yes, he tried do all those things for his brothers, but his nagging fears were slowly, silently killing him. What if he couldn’t stop Leo? What would happen to Donnie if he failed? What if he cracked…?

Raph’s breaths came in sharp and shallow as he gripped his arms tightly across his chest. He could feel his heart crashing against his plastron, the blood rushing in his ears as he fought the choking sensation in his throat. Shaking, Raph rose from the cot and staggered to the door. He had to hide. No one could see him like this. With almost a detached feeling, Raph watched himself stagger to his room, weakly shutting the door behind him.

Collapsing into his hammock, Raph’s breaths came faster and yet he couldn’t get any air. Gasping, Raph rode out the shakes and jerks of his body, curled up tight as the weight of his fears continued to crush him. Squeezing his eyes shut, Raph cried alone into the cold air.

...

After what had seemed an eternity, Raph had finally fallen into a fitful sleep. Images of his brothers danced behind his lids, tormenting him as he slept.

“Raph, please, protect us” Donnie’s voice pleaded with him.

Raph reached out to his purple brother.

“Don’t let me get hurt Raph. I need you,” Leo’s voice echoed.

Whirling around, Raph searched frantically for his leader.

“Raph…was I tough?”

Raph slowly turned. Before him was Mikey, lying silently in a pool of blood. With a strangled cry Raph ran forward to cradle his little brother.

“Why didn’t you protect me Raph?”

The red-banded turtle looked up to see Leo covered in bloody wounds, staggering towards him before collapsing to the ground. Raph felt his heart stop. No. Not Leo.

Suddenly, the emaciated form of Donatello appeared before the fallen leader. His angry face streaked with tears glared harshly at him.

“You promised!” Donnie’s pained cry rang out. “You promised you would keep him safe!”

“I tried!” Raph screamed, tears marking his own cheeks. “I tried to protect you all!”

“You can’t protect us Raph,” Donnie whispered. “Not anymore.”

Raphael bolted upright hot tears running down his face. Every night it was the same thing. The echoes of his brother’s cries of pain, and biting accusations rang in his head, while the images of blood still flashed beneath his closed lids. Raph held his head in his hands as his shoulders shook. He was so tired, and yet he dared not sleep. Blearily, he turned his red and swollen eyes to the clock on his nightstand.

2 A.M.

Raph let out a small whimper. How desperately he wanted to let sleep take him. But he knew; sleep held no solace for him. For the fourth night in a row, Raph lay awake, haunted by his own thoughts until morning.